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reclaiming sexy at { almost } 35

March 28, 2017
reclaiming sexy in my thirties |

We may earn money or products from the companies mentioned in this post.

So, I’ve talked a couple times recently about a touchy subject to me on my instagram; feeling sexy…or, rather, the complete and utter lack of feeling sexy. In my 20’s I felt like hot stuff, and I was abundant on the whole feeling myself mojo, but as I moved into my thirties, it began to slowly drift away. Now, just a couple of weeks away from my 35th birthday, I’m realizing I’m at an all time low on the sexy front. I don’t know if it really has anything to do with age, but more of a mindset and my mindset for the last year has been on everything BUT feeling sexy. So, I’m taking a genuine and real attempt at reclaiming sexy for myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel comfortable and confident in my body. I love my style and how I dress. I have a wonderful, supportive, fun partner, but the sexy factor was just gone. And I’m talking about FEELING sexy over LOOKING sexy. They are very different creatures.

So over the last couple months, I’ve been trying to pinpoint the problem and remedy it to the best of my ability. I know that my poor mental health doesn’t help, I’m prone to bouts of depression and I have an anxiety disorder. But I know that wasn’t entirely it.

It’s definitely nothing to do with my partner, who makes me feel loved and beautiful. It’s something in ME that I need to reconnect with.

reclaiming sexy in my thirties reclaiming sexy in my thirties reclaiming sexy in my thirties


Living a public life online means opening myself to the gaze of many different eyes. I’ve always tried my damnedest to be there for women to help encourage and hopefully inspire them to step outside of the box and try something new. But being a woman online also means having male viewers as well, which can sometimes be really cool as many are wonderfully respectful and supportive, but sadly, it’s not the norm and some men online, armed with the added anonymity of the internet, like to thrust their desires upon you and in some cases, out right harass and assault you. { unsolicited dick pics are NEVER cool, they’re illegal, yo! }

Add to that some women that have a bit of internalized misogyny lurking and think any sexual display is there solely to appease the male gaze and you’re left with feeling like the last thing you ever want to do is be sexual in anyway online. { also can we talk about how not everything is for the male gaze, hi, queer folks exist and sometimes we wanna be seen by all manner of people. If something is sexy, that does not equate to appeasing men. And even if men are entirely what floats your boat, there’s nothing wrong there either. Let’s all stop policing each other, shall we? }

Thus entire my problem and possible root of my lack in feeling sexy for me. I have erased that part of me to avoid unwanted attention or thoughts people may have of me.

reclaiming sexy in my thirties reclaiming sexy in my thirtiesreclaiming sexy in my thirties

valerie faux leather dress c/oCurvy Girl Lingerie

Reclaiming *my* sexy

One fine morning, shortly after my husband and I had redone our bedroom I decided to test the light and see how photos might look in the new setting and before I knew it, I was posing in my knickers. This kind of felt really natural to me, because way back in the day, well before Suicide Girls was a huge juggernaut and they were still just an indie site running out of Portland, I was actually an SG hopeful { this was about 14-15 years ago now before ‘SG hopeful’ was even a term! } and I was active in the online community there.

Back in the day I had absolutely no qualms about getting in my skivvies and feeling like a sexy beast. I even have some terribly over edited remnants on my old deviant art account { I’m not linking, if you’re that curious you can google it. But please be kind to my younger self, I’ve left it in tact as a time capsule of sorts to remind me of that time. I definitely fall into some pitfalls that current me cringes at }.

So, I’m going to indulge old me and celebrate those moments where I’m feeling sexy, because they are powerful to me. I truly believe there is value in sharing vulnerable moments and snapshots of ourselves so that others can have that magic bonding moment of “me too!”. It’s my greatest joy of being a somewhat public figure.

reclaiming sexy in my thirties reclaiming sexy in my thirties reclaiming sexy in my thirties

In addition to feeling empowered and bold enough to post these kinds of images, I have actively been looking at and acquiring sexy garments that make me feel good. Up until February, I had never owned a matching bra and undie set. Now, the set I got is just a bralette, so it’s not lifting and making my boobs perky but *I* feel comfortable and good when I get to wear the set.

So I’m subscribing to facebook pages, like Curvy Girl and other plus size lingerie shops so that I can keep these ideas in mind and I can save items that I think would make me feels powerful and sexy.

I want to share these moments because they are deeply ingrained in how *I* feel sexy, by being in complete control of how I display it, how I capture it and why I share it.

Meanwhile I’ll have myself armed and ready with my block finger for any unwanted advances or inappropriate comments, just like I always have been.

I just want to say, before sitting down and writing this out, I actually had no idea this was going to all spill forth, but that’s the therapy in writing for ya! I actually feel really good about the realizations I’ve come to here today and I’m hoping maybe a couple of you might have been feeling similar and now your armed with some new ideas and the solidarity in knowing you’re not alone!

I also filmed a quick youtube video with 2 items from Curvy Girl and 2 more from Forever 21+ if you wanna check it out!

♥ As always, if you like it, share it! And please, support the links that support this blog!  ♥

kitty signature


This item was gifted to me, I was not compensated nor asked to post this. It is 100% from my heart. 

  • Reply
    March 29, 2017 at 7:17 am

    Thank you for sharing about this. It’s so important that we keep being authentic on the internet and you’re one of my favorite sources for that. I like what you bring to the table so much!
    Also–I love what you say in your video about trends hitting plus-sizes late. It’s so true and it’s driving me bananas! That’s why I was so excited when you posted on FB about all those rose-print items! If I can make one request, keep showing us the current trends that are available to us! 😀 That jacket is killing me I love it so much.
    You’re awesome.
    The End.

  • Reply
    March 29, 2017 at 7:56 am

    My dear daughter I congratulate you on openly expressing you conditions and letting the world in to know it’s ok to not have a perfect life. As we age and develop our minds and bodies change with the values important in our lives today. The topic of still feeling sexy in our own minds and skin was always an important one that I worked with for my self and the customers I had when working in lingerie and as a plus size lady I felt it was empowering to know what that felt like. I spent many year encouraging women to fell sexy for them selves making them stronger to take on their lives. You are an incredible inspiration to your followers keep up the GREAT work.

  • Reply
    March 29, 2017 at 10:42 am

    This definitely resonated with me in so many ways! Thank you for writing about it! This line really stuck out for me:

    “I have erased that part of me to avoid unwanted attention or thoughts people may have of me.”

    I’m actually pretty forward and say “sexy” things a lot and men, especially, have a way of twisting those words around for their benefit. & yes, with the right people that can be fun and flirty and with the wrong people…it just makes me want to hide. It’s incredibly hard to be yourself online nowadays without someone coming out of the blue to make you feel uncomfortable about it.

    I love that you were an SG hopeful! So rad! I was really into alt nude modeling in my 20s & let’s be honest, I’d still do it now as a sexy 35 year old! Hell yeah! Boudoir photos are one of my favorite things to make me feel sexy. I wear lingerie for me! I mean, sometimes I wear it for the looks of my partner, but deep down, it’s all about how it makes me feel powerful & sexy!

    Do you know about Bluestockings Boutique? It’s an amazing LGBTQIA+ lingerie/underthings shop. I feel like it’s something right up your alley!

  • Reply
    April 1, 2017 at 3:25 am

    I can relate to this so hard! I certainly lost my mojo big time and I know my depression played an enormous part in it but I’ve not yet felt compelled to reclaim it.
    I used to feel so broken for not being interested, seeing so much sex in media. I’d unfollow tumblr blogs who just kept posting porn gifs because it was verging on upsetting me. But then I realised there’s nothing wrong with not being a fuck machine 24/7 and that you have to reconnect with yourself when the time is right. Do it on your own terms, for the right reasons.

    I’m glad you’re feeling yourself!

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